Screams from the deep.

Dont you think its sad when you want to scream out and the only place you can seek solace and vent out your frustrations is the cyber world? Have we humans developed so much technology to communicate with the world and beyond that we are unable to express ourselves to those around us? It seems to me that to reach out to the stars, we have lost the connections with ourselves.

As these words leave the recesses of my mind through my fingers, I know that they mght never be published and read, and yet the desire to let it flow from me is so strong, keeping it inside me for a moment longer would only serve further anguish and nothing else. I hate losing, always have and always will. If given a scenerio whereby I could have done better, and that it would allowed me to win, I cannot forgive myself. If i had given my best but i lost to a better man, im not one who believes in sour grapes. BUT I HATE BEING TREATED AS SECOND CLASS! I FUCKING HATE BEING TREATED AS SECOND CLASS. I grew up being treated as second class or close to trash in my fathers eyes, I CANNOT FUCKING TAKE IT WHEN I FEEL THAT IM BEING TREATED AS SECOND CLASS. The fucking hate that i feel being seen as such, no one will be able to understand.

SO WHY IN THE FUCKING HELL DO I KEEP FEELING THAT WAY?? WHY THE FUCK DO I KEEP FEELING THAT??? ITS FUCKING PISSING ME OFF AND NOBODY KNOWS IT. DO I HAVE TO KILL MYSELF TO PROVE MY POINT? WHY DO YOU TELL ME THE THINGS YOU ALLOWED THEM TO DO T0 YOU THEN DENY ME THE VERY SAME THINGS? YOU TELL ME ALL SORTS OF FUCKING REASONS BUT ITS NOT THE WAY I SEE THINGS. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE THINGS I DID FOR MY PAST LOVERS BUT I WONT DO THEM ANYMORE FOR YOU, CUZ I THINK IT WAS A WASTE OF TIME?

The happiness you put me through and the despair you drag me under, do you even know of the emotions runnings through? The face behind the mask? A world split between coloured and grey, a path flanked by brimstone and snow, a heart torn between hate and love. Its all become a blur, a lifeless inprint upon my senses. Im growing so numb and I wanna run away. Would the voices mocking me in my head hold their silence in death. Is that where I can finally find respite?